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According to NCR, the largest ATM supplier in the U.S., over 90% of the world's cash machines are powered by Windows XP. A further 4% are running Windows 3.11 [for Workgroups] which according to several hacking groups, have had Windows XP wallpaper installed to avoid paying license fees.

In the world's largest ever OS migration project, which employed the majority of Europe's PRINCE2 and ITProject+ contractors, the World Institute of Business Banking Limited (WIGGL) has purchased over 12 billion licenses of ENGL Deployment Suite™ for ATM for an undisclosed cash payment [Ed - All taxes paid according to current legislation].

Working with ENGL's Windows deployment specialists, a migration solution was created that could upgrade all ATMs worldwide to Windows 10. To reduce risk from hackers, it was agreed to create a mix of Windows 10 Preview builds that were not released to the public (10048, 10040, 9925 and 9878). The final size was an impressive 113GB losseless WIM image file.

Based on an extensive 4-day R&D, it was found that the image could be restored to 6510, Z80 (green screens only), and Intel's latest Dilithium Crystal based processors (as used in the Apple Watch Platinum Edition). However, the biggest challenge was writing a uber-low-level driver to access the storage which held the image file. ATMs do not have interface ports on the public side, but research found that they do commonly have a card slot.

The chosen storage device was a special credit card with a 1TB SSD OLED radioactive sticker. The uber-low-level driver needed to pass Windows 10 stringent certification and was therefore signed with SHA-1, SHA-2, SHA256, SSL, HTTPS, OpenMyFirstCert, and three other open source certificates which are no longer in use.

Using a 3D printer, three elements from the periodic table including Seaborgium, Molybdenun, Erbium, Lutetium, Lanthanum, and Ytterbium, were mixed in an underground cavern 4 miles below the Isle of Wight, using a technique known today as fracking [Ed - ENGL lawyers have since won a case that proved ENGL was not the cause of UK costal errosion and loss of 1,000 gardens with white village picket fences that are currently floating in the English Channel].

As you would expect, from any ENGL deployment solution, the imaging front-end Zim, plays an important part in bridging the confusing and mind numbingly bizarre world of OS deployment to a friendly menu that can be understood by most mortals including villiage idiots [Ed - to be proven] and one arm chimps, who have not been to a minimum of seven MMS and TechEd conferences.

Figure 1: ENGL Zim running in ATM green screen mode (./zim -log -z -atm)

 

 

Been to the cash point today? Been waiting in a long queue? You may think the person at the front is annoying, taking too long, requesting a statement, resetting their PIN code, requesting another statement, taking out cash, but in fact that person (or fox) in front of you at the ATM, is actually a deployment specialist [Ed - not strictly a qualified expert, as anyone using ENGL can appear super-clever], secretively migrating old ATMs to Windows 10.

 

Figure 2: Queue of people and animals at ATM

 

 

Keep an eye out on the ENGL web site (www.engl.co.uk) for new product announcements including the soon to be released coffee cup and marmite sandwich locator Mobile App [Ed - Vegimite detection to be added based on demand], and the chart-topping foot-tapping ENGL theme tune Why is my manager asking me to spend months learning how to write my own Windows deployment process when ENGL has one already including support for the price of a pint of beer and packet of crisps.

 

Legal notice: None of the above is the responsibility of ENGL, our site must have been hacked, erm, and installed, erm, without the Directors knowing!